My Worth

What am I made of?

-A skin covers my muscles

that then covers my bones

Or the cliche:

Of flesh and blood I am made



But no, that is not my point

What am I made of?

Am I covered with

merely a fourth of truth

and three quarters of pretension?



Do I trust others

but not myself?

Or do I trust myself

and not others?



Do I consist of fair judgment?

Or cling on first impressions?



Am I worth living?

And worth remembering

when I die?


-Poem written early 2004

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

Write Up's I never Got the Courage to Post I: Love We Think We Deserve

Photo by Jerrold Carandang

Everyone has that innate longing to want what they know they cannot have, to try to change something which is more likely to remain constant, to push their selves in situations they are better off ignoring. 

We love the thrill, the chase. We'd like to satisfy the urge of wanting to take and win over a challenge. We’d like to explore and wander.  

You are not alone in feeling this; again, it is innate and is normal. Once entertained, it gives us the same satisfaction of enjoying a vacation with no planned itinerary, of finding a beach in the middle of nowhere after getting lost from a trip which was not meticulously planned. We love the spontaneity of it all, the certainty that everything will be uncertain.  

Enjoy it while you still can but I tell you it would never be permanent. This kind of longing would one day fade away and you’d shift from wanting to hold something you know you’d one day let go of, to wanting something that you know would stay. One could never forever hold on to this as it’d one day dawn on you that it got to stop, you’d be weary and tired of trying, of pushing things, of fighting a fight you know you would not win over. We’d then like the warmth of holding the hand that has been waiting for quite a while to be noticed, we’d then want to veer away from wanting to wander, from wanting to play, we’d then want to accept someone who’d kill and fight for our time.

Don’t push yourself away from this kind of longing though, of thinking of what the others would think as we do not answer to anyone but ourselves- the only one that knows what goes within us. Savor and satisfy this longing if it comes knocking at your door. Sometimes it is necessary to fall in the wrong arms to finally have that yearning to be enveloped with the right one. Sometimes it is necessary to wander so we could find our place on the spot we so well deserved. Sometimes it is necessary that we fall hard because of someone, to finally rise up with someone else who’d ensure something closest to certainty in this world of the unknown.

I am a woman and I believe that this kind of ‘playful’ thrill- seeking nature is not limited to men. It happens, and is felt by everyone. A women’s utmost yearning though, is to feel affection. At the end of it all, this longing supersedes all emotional needs. A woman is a woman. Our hands would be paired with the ones we are destined to hold. Our attention is ought to be given to the ones who have proven their worth. We are meant to stay with the ones who are decisive to stay. After all the shebang, a woman would then delight themselves being with something that needs not to change, of finally accepting what they actually deserve, rather than what they push themselves in believing they deserve. 


***
“We accept he love we think we deserve.” –Perks of being a Wallflower.
September 2013

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law. 

BATTLEFIELD II

Everyone fights their own battles every day. There are the small ones that you’d just need instinct or a bit of logic as your weapons like the fight for a seat in the train where there’s a pool of people eyeing for one. There are the big ones that you just cannot get over with no matter how witty you are, not matter how you think you are prepared, no matter how many times you've been under the same battle. They are the battles WITHIN US. It could be a fight for strength where one breathes in, breathes out and tells himself “Please be strong.” It could be the battle of the mind and heart where each side opposes the other. It could be the fight for confidence where one who feels so low reminds himself of what his worth is.


The truth is the world would not stop and mourn with you. The world would not stop the train from departing to let you in because you’d be late. The world would not stop and console you and drive you to move forward as the world has its own battles to fight, too. The biggest battles that we go under are the one where it is ourselves we have to fight with. Sometimes we have to suck it all in and fight for what we know is right. These battles make us all human. The goal is not to succumb to any of these fights because as hard as they may seem to win, you’d get over them in time and be ready for ANOTHER FIGHT.

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2014. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

I Miss You So Much It Hurts II

You hearing me? I miss you, and I know that you know that even though I don't get to write for you that often.


I'd oftentimes think how my life would turn out to be had you not left 13 years ago. Perhaps you'll drive me to have the same appetite as you do and I'd look a bit 'unslim' than I am now. Perhaps we'd watch musical numbers together as you know how I adore Leah Salonga whom I was named after, perhaps we'd walk together and chat, like we used to.


As soon as you left I felt how it is to live lacking a father figure. You were the one beside me teaching me Math or whatnot's, you argued with me about politics and other things like which pizza flavor to pick. You were there. We were so close that when you left, I had to motivate myself to creating a mindset that all of those roles will then be fulfilled Mom. I was closer than you than I was with her. I was your baby even at 14.


Perhaps I'd be stronger because I'd have more years under your tutelage. Perhaps you'd repeatedly tell me not to cry and I'd follow you and I won't be the cry baby that I am now. I recall that particular day when you told me NOT TO CRY, and I guess that's a statement you told me just once but would want me to remember even after you left.


We'd read books and argue about them, I'd have you read Tuesdays with Morrie or perhaps read it out for you as your eyes won't have the 20- 20 vision you used to have. I'd force you to stay with me in Manila and if you don't agree I'd visit our hometown on a weekly basis. We'd eat 'palabok' heartily, we'd watch movies together, I'd give you a massage from time to time even when you don't ask me to give you one. I'd replenish your container of water as I know you can drink 4 to 6 liters in a day.  


I would be the best daughter you could ever ask for. We'd go to church together and I won't refuse talking about the history of saints and Word War and the Republicans, I won't fail to buy you a Sunday copy of your favorite newspaper. I would be there for you and forget about work and drive towards home immediately as soon as you need me. I will be the daughter who'll always be around.


I love you and I miss you so much. Happy Father's day Pap. Please let me dream about you.    



Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2012. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

The Pattern

Written last May 20, 2012 at 2:16 PM MLA

I'd touch your nose, the first one I'd see perspiring than then the other parts of your face. I can stay still for minutes; watch you as you sleep, with the pillow beside you. I'd then force myself to replace the pillow, snuggle my body into yours; happy as always.


I'd think about you though I'm already beside you, as only you consume my thoughts. I'd look at the sun rising from your window, stretch out my still- lazy body and try to wake you up with a kiss. 


You'd squint your eyes then sleep again, I'd stay still and watch you, within few minutes you'd fall back to slumber, even snore or mutter words I can't make out the meaning of, as you'd always do when you dream. I'd stand in awe, wondering how deeply am I in love, noticing that I am in this bubble of happiness I wouldn't want to burst, that I am in a trance I wouldn't want to end then suddenly, I'd think about how everything seems so familiar.


I'd look at you again and recall the same way I looked at someone else years back. I'd think about the dreams that were formed through those moments of silence, the hopes I had, the promises I was picturing to come to life as I was immersed in my pool of thoughts.


I'd think about how his hands perfectly fit mine just like mine would perfectly fit yours, how your embraces give the same type of comfort, how madly in love I am, just as I was before.


From time to time I'd fear when it'll end, how these feelings, though familiar are threatening. At any point a needle that will burst my bubble of happiness can stealthily lurk beside me, like it once did- stealing my long- fought peace of mind.


I’d appease myself with a belief- that everything’s just a pattern, you fall and someone falls to be with you, then that someone stands to leave you, then you stand up and be still and rest yourself from the pain until you’re ready again. These all sound too simple but it doesn’t all occur in few seconds- standing up may take months which seems like an eternity, trusting again may take longer than you could ever think, being finally free from the wound may seem forever.


After all those, you’d regain your peace of mind- free from haunting thoughts, from hopes and promises which took you a while to let go. Then you’d fall again, happy as you’d never thought you’ll ever be, and then hold on to a new world with new set of hopes and promises.  You’d think it’s the same thing and when it all ends, you’d declare you will definitely be able to move again like you did before.


You’d brush all thoughts away, painstakingly. You’d touch his nose, the first one you see perspiring than then the other parts of his face. You’d curl up your fingers into his, watch him sleep, snuggle your body into his. You’d keep doing this each time the fear of having the pattern come completely into life visits you, and suddenly, with his smile, you’d believe that maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time there’s really nothing to fear.


 *Trying to fight writer's block, I wrote this. I hope I won over it, haha.



Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2014. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

SA IYONG PAGYAO

wag mo kong sanayin

na kunin

galing sa yo

ang mga bagay

na alam mong

hindi mo maibibigay

mula ngayon

hanggang sa kahuli-hulihan

magalak

magbunyi

magpakaligaya

ayokong maramdaman ang mga yan

kung panandalian lang

walang katumbas na saya

ang nadarama pag pinansin mo na

pag pinag- lalaanan mo na ng oras

pag pinara- ramdaman mo na ng halaga

itong katauhan kong

naghahanap ng importansya

wag mo kong sanayin

na kunin

galing sa yo

ang mga bagay

na alam mong

hindi mo maibibigay

mula ngayon

hanggang sa kahuli-hulihan

ayokong dumating ang isang araw

na makikita ko ang sarili kong luhaan

at ang tanging maisasambit lang ay:

"sinanay mo kasi ako ng ganito,

paano na ngayon ako na wala na ang mga ito?"

kaya wag na lang kaya

maaring iwan mo na ang ideyang

lumapit pa

kung isang araw ay

bigla biglaan ka rin lang lilisan

wag mo kong sanayin

na maangkin

galing sa yo

ang mga bagay

na alam mong

hindi mo maibibigay

mula ngayon

hanggang sa kahuli-hulihan

masarap damhin ang atensyon,

ang oras ng isang tapong espesyal sa yo

masarap malamang me nag-iisip sa yo

masarap masanay sa lahat ng 'to

ngunit marapat lang na hindi ko tanggapin

ang presensya mo

alam kong walang permanente dito sa mundo

pero kung di ka rin lang magtatagal

maari bang ngayon pa lang

ikaw na ay yumao?

ngayon pa lang ako na'y paulit- ulit na nagsusumao:

wag mo kong sanayin

na maangkin

galing sa yo

ang mga bagay

na alam mong

hindi mo maibibigay

mula ngayon

hanggang sa kahuli-hulihan

(written last October 26, 2010, 244 PM for Ivan)

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2011. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.



THE START.

There are those things that end things and things that begin things. There’s that picture which makes you start liking someone, an affectionate gesture which makes you start being comfortable with someone. There is also that grueling task which makes you start wanting to end or wanting to quit on something, or an unthought-of action which makes you stop feeling something you’ve held on for a long time.

When things end, we may then wish that the things which somehow helped in making it end did not come to existence at all; that hurtful statement, that emotion- less response, those things you discovered after being kept hidden from you. When things start then end abruptly, we would wish that those things which brought it to start should have been ignored; like that thoughtful message, the unforgettable conversation about your favorite fantasy of all time ‘The Lord of the Rings,’ the bouquet of roses which made begin, the story of you and someone you branded your ‘better half.’

As we grow old, we’d realize that regrets turn into learnings, or they never were regrets at all, or they could be. When something ends and we wanted to prolong its stay, we’d think of things we should not have made or things we should have made. Yes, you can call that regrets. Yet later on as we accept that it ought to end, those things transform into learnings which we can use on new beginnings.

Everyday, we lose and gain something. Everyday, things begin and end, stuff like an MRT- ride, a stressful Monday shift, a conflict with someone. We should all get used to this cycle by now; yet it is our nature to over- think about ends and beginnings- why this happened and why this did not, to still cry about something even if that something is the same thing which made you cry from time to time. It’s our nature to be smart enough to know that things will come to an end at one point, that a pain will all come to pass one day, yet it’s also our nature to be emotional about them. People really are people, we’ve got our minds that make us know what we know, and our hearts that make us feel things toward things we know.

THE END.

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2011. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

500 days of summer (my version)

i met my tom a year ago, in the fine white-sand beach called Boracay. i never noticed him. i was either too tipsy to notice anyone or i never really found him attractive.

well i guess i did. my friends and i were killing the time away. i was sipping a milkshake cocktail when the waiter approached us holding 3 bottles of beer. someone, he said, bought those for us. i never wanted to bother knowing where they came from but my friend was insisted.


then along came my Tom. wearing a blue printed shirt, smiling. he was never physically what i wanted in a guy and he never will, well unless he gains 5 or more inches in height and some more pounds (i like chubby guys). but the night was eventful. i was facing his friend, he was facing mine, they were sort of matching my Tom with my girlfriend and i thought they kinda clicked.

i may have liked the way he smiled, the way his eyes kind of smiled too. i could say he was cute, found him a bit cuter when i sensed he was clever (ah yeah smart guys turns me on). after the bottles were emptied, everyone danced and i just watched them from afar. that was just that, no more conversations after it, no exchanging of phone numbers (not on my end but he and my friend got each others' digits). i never expected i will get to meet anyone of them again.

and i did. i got to keep in touch with Tom again. thanks to facebook. we went out to see movies, viewed usher's concert together, had several coffee dates, and it was blissful. several months passed by and i wondered why he never told me he liked me, why he never even dared touch my hand. he'd always want to see me, always invite me out but that was never enough for me to feel he liked me more than a friend. i need to brand what we were doing. i did not tell him what my confusion was all about and somewhere around july,we suddenly stopped communicating.

i missed him. i got into an open relationship yet it was him i was thinking about. he knew about it one day then confided that he was hurting, that he really liked me, that he would not ask me out if he did not. we never stopped communicating until then: emails, YM and FB chats, SMS, calls and whathaveyou's. he made me feel he wanted to be the one always beside me, and i held on to that. he made me have the impression that if we were both single, we'd definitely end up in each other's arms (he immediately had a girlfriend after he knew about my relationship). he made me have the impression that he was not that happy with her girl, that we were two crazy people who liked each other a lot but never got to know that they did, thus, ended up in separate ways.

we ended up being single, both of us, i ended it up with my guy late november. he was still with his girl at that time but he insisted on booking a flight towards boracay so he could be with me. yet things got worse. december came, he let me know that they broke up because of a text message from me. they have already broken up after he assured me that he will make it to boracay. his last text read 'i need to think things over.'

few days after visiting him in his house, he finally realized he loved his ex girlfriend (xgf at that time but gf again a day or two afterwards) and can never afford to lose her. i was good with that, i could never expect US to be each other's rebound partner, yet he left me with no closure.

january came by. got a call in the middle of the night(3 freakin' am) telling me to wait foe his text about the big favor he was to ask me of. i never heard from him for a month until that night, i mean dawn and i never really wanted to. turns out, he needed me to deny ever dating him, to just say we met last march and that was all. he asked me if i was mad, and i said i did not know what to say anymore. in his seemingly demmanding tone he said (it was all about exchanging of text messages) let me know if you can or can't do it, because this time, i wanna be serious with her. the following day my inbox was screaming a message, with the most demeaning word i've ever gitten so far: please stick with the game plan, we just met last march. the word game plan kept ringing in my head.

in my sourgraping days i'd imagine myself responding to that message with the words "yeah, sure. to really deny everything won't require any effort, having met you is something someone shan't be proud about." i hated him for a day or two but wht i hated more is his lack of decnecy in asking for a big favor that will kind of hurt my dignity.

***
i cannot even compare him to Tom in the movie, Tom was sure he liked summer. maybe all along i thought he was Tom, and I was summer, yet the truth is, he was Tom, eyeing another Summer, leaving me and denying having known me.)

his last words were "i am sorry leah." well i guess that was sorry for not choosing me, sorry for making me believe things he really could not stand for. i was good with that. just like Tom who will meet his "Autumn", i know i will get to meet mine. i saw everything coming but just like all similar instances, i never got to be emotionally prepared.

for a week after he told me his 'i need to think things over' message, i had this sinking feeling. i had this idea that i would always be someone's second choice. i run low on self esteem and felt unpretty, unwanted, especially because of the fact that this is not the first time this has happened (went serious with a guy before who said the exactly the same i need to think things over spiel, the guy he ended up with a close friend, seeing someone else while he was seeing me, wtf? haha).

i am writing this down not to let people know how complicated my relationships were. i am writing this down not to arouse sympathy, from you, one of the few readers of my blog. i am writing this down to remind me of my capacity of loving, of immediately forgiving people who've hurt me, intentionally or not. i am writing this for you, for the US that never were, for the US that was just a pigment of my imagination. i am writing this, realizing that you came in to my life, to open my eyes and see the fact that one day, i will get to meet someone i will be sure about.

TOM: you never wanted to be anyone's girlfriend and now you're someone's wife. i just don't understand that.
SUMMER: it surprises me too. i just woke up one day and knew...
TOM: knew what?
SUMMER: what i was never sure of when i was with you.
(not the exact words but this is how i recall it)



Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2012. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

one of them

i'd often hear them cry and wonder why it ended that day when they were just so happy the day before.

the truth is we never get to be prepared for things that end.

the truth is we never get to be warned about the day the usual patterns are halted.

the truth is we never get to move on right away because we see things coming.

the truth is, things just end because they are meant to, and all we gotta do is move on and stop overdoing analysis, cease from exaggerating justifications, and move away from bombarding ourselves with what if's and what should have been's.

all of these i say to myself.

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2012. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

it's a sorta fairytale

everyone dreams of their own version of a happily ever after. and i am not an exception.


as mushy as it may sound, i have always dreamt of ending up with my first love, of exchanging vows with with my bestfriend who turned as my special someone nearly six years ago, somewhere in the second semester of my sophomore year in college.

everyone would envy the kind of relationship we had. we never fought over a thing for more than a day, we were in a long distance for nearly three years but people would say we still kept the love aflame, we set out our plans in the future, our parents became comfortable with the idea of us walking through the isle one day, we were each other’s bestfriends.


for some reason or for random or for mixed up reasons, the magic was lost. the love was still there but it was slowly dying, i would not know when it started, i am pretty much sure he was consistent, that while i was just convincing myself that everything will run smoothly between us even though we were apart, i knew he was still the same guy who was madly in love with me.


i was thinking of the major reason why i left him. it could be because i was becoming too weary to wait for him to work in Manila so we could often see each other - too weary that when it happened, that by the time he did what he was supposed to do years back, the excitement with all the love was slowly diminishing. it could also be because of the fact that i once observed that i loved him too much that i had to stop and control it, and by doing so, i lost the feeling altogether, or it could be due to the petty fights we had during his first few weeks of stay in Manila: what with our opening versus closing schedule causing him to be grumpy at times when he’s waiting for me and what with me prioritizing my friends at times instead of having lunch with him.


i would not know what happened, why i lost the spark. i was at one time, jealous on him having a crush on his wave mate who’s a SARA- MYER look-alike (however that surname is spelled) then i suddenly turned to someone who can’t respond to his sweetnots over the phone. i concluded that the problem was me.
i should have been more considerate, more supportive or more of what a girlfriend could have been. i should have never thought about leaving him few days after he broke down crying in front of me. i should have cleaved to my promise of understanding him or whatever situation we are with, i should have never disappointed his parents who were hoping i will take care of him as he is just starting to stay in Manila. i should have thought of staying, and of finding a way on how to be as crazy in love with him as i was 6 years ago.


but there’s no turning back, i am firm with my being alone right now, not because i don’t want to take my words back, but because this is what i think i ought to do, i might be wrong, or right. i would not care less. i am firm with my being alone right now and with doing nothing about love, in not finding it, in not waiting for it, and in just sitting around thinking that the notion of a fairytale is a bit of a blur in my life for the meantime.

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

segundo

you chose to stick around, thank you for that.

what was a 7-month duration for me seemt like years that you had to endure, 7 months which comprised of nights with you fighting the urge of calling me, days you had to wait to be over, afternoons you had to spend alone. you waited for 7 hours outside the condo, while i was somewhere drinking the night away, your flowing thoughts were undisrupted by the persistent mosquitoes, your falling tears uninterrupted by the passers- by.

i was lost, fell inlove with a persona merely created through lies, i've gone crazy, i cried and cried then laughed again. i cursed and cursed then liked someone again. i fumbled, stumbled then came out of all the shebang a strong person i never thought i'll be. friends were there to remind me how worthy i was to be loved, friends were there to tell me not to be too kind, friends were there to tell me that someday, someone, will come along and love me just how i deserve to be.

i had my fair share of highs and lows within that 7-month period we were apart. it was a whirlwind, a rollercoaster, a bumpy- bus ride. from time to time you'd ask me through FB messaging or SMS, how i was, and i'd always retort back and say 'i'd never thought it'd be this fun to be single,' from time time to time you'd call me wih your sarcastic tone and i'd answer with the most hateful tone i could ever give, from time to time you'd say you'll miss me, and how everything did not change the fact that you loved me still.

i thought i lost it all, i felt disgusted with the idea of getting back with the man i was so inlove with 6 years ago, i'd always brag the fact that i am always firm with the decisions i make, that i'd never stick out of my touch- move ruling.

through it all, you were always there. you were just a call away when i was frantic because the pages shown in my laptop are upside down, you

were the first one to wish me a happy birthday last fourteenth of april, you never failed to let me know that you still care and that you will never stop doing so.

and being the stone-hearted that i became, i'd always say i don't care if you still care. i kept reminding you that i already walked-away and i am never to return again.

through it all, you never stopped hoping. no hurtful words coming from my evil mouth will ever change the way you felt towards me. i cannot count how many times you said you miss me, and how many times i felt you did even if you did not say you did, all i said in return were the words I'M SORRY and THANK YOU.

you chose to stick around, i thank you for that. i was on my way in really really liking someone else, just a few days shy in saying i am exclusively dating him (or i believe so) but then i saw you, finally after too many months of hiding from you. i saw you with your face trying to hide all your emotions, i saw you standing still, and bahm, whatever emotions i kept suppressed for a long time, they all came resurfacing, i fought with them, told myself with conviction that i was just overwhelmed and confused.

maybe i still am confused, maybe i am doing things out of impulse again, and you couldn't care less. when asked whether or not you are afraid of me being in your life again, when you were told 'THOSE THINGS' may happen again, all you said was 'DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, it's my choice to stick around, and if things go bezerk again, i only have myself to blame.'

i came back with a disclaimer that i may not be the same person you used to love before, things shaped the way i am now, you know. i may not be the hopeless romantic who'd do anything for love, i am no longer the old me who'd make US ENDING UP TOGETHER happen. i am afraid of the many changes that i am bringing in, yet all you did was hushed the thought away, showed me that you will still choose to stick around, no matter what, no matter how great the risk is.

you chose to stick around, thank you for that. you waited for 7 hours outside the condo never- minding the passers- by who'd either give you a piteous stare or a questioning glare, you waited for 7 months for me to change my mind. your hopeful heart undettered with my hurtful words, your determination never dissuaded by the painful possibilities.


Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

my independence day

it was not yet time to let go, ’twas too early to do so…
***
attachment comes before detachment, how would the act of separation be done when there are no two or more group of bodies, being, or entities glued to one another?

it was not yet time to let go, as eerie as it may sound, i had to put myself closer to emotions i want to be freed from- anger, resentment, regret, and whatever bonds that hindered me from achieving peace of mind.

it was not yet time to let go, i had to undergo the process of attachment, and that is not to overdo the portrayal of emotions, but to admit that they exist, determine the reason why they existed, and come up with a resolution. admission could be the hardest part, because we oftentimes deny the existence of such unfavorable feelings, thinking that acceptance would denote we are weak.

it was not yet time to let go, but now it is. i have admitted my mistakes- quabbled a lot about my work and thought of leaving the company, made some lies to save myself, planned not to forgive someone…- and i am slowly forgiving myself for having committed them.
yes, it’s hard to let go but it is even harder to be held captive by such emotions. so i am forgiving those who’ve in a way hurt me, i am casting all my complaints and prejudices in the wind, i am letting go of what can’t be’s and what if’s, and what if i have’s, since it would really not make any sense to barrage my mind with such thoughts.

it was not yet time to let go, but now it is. i wanna be freed, and so i’ll be. i declare, and claim freedom, it’s my independence day. i am utterly free.


Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.