Write Up's I never Got the Courage to Post I: Love We Think We Deserve

Photo by Jerrold Carandang

Everyone has that innate longing to want what they know they cannot have, to try to change something which is more likely to remain constant, to push their selves in situations they are better off ignoring. 

We love the thrill, the chase. We'd like to satisfy the urge of wanting to take and win over a challenge. We’d like to explore and wander.  

You are not alone in feeling this; again, it is innate and is normal. Once entertained, it gives us the same satisfaction of enjoying a vacation with no planned itinerary, of finding a beach in the middle of nowhere after getting lost from a trip which was not meticulously planned. We love the spontaneity of it all, the certainty that everything will be uncertain.  

Enjoy it while you still can but I tell you it would never be permanent. This kind of longing would one day fade away and you’d shift from wanting to hold something you know you’d one day let go of, to wanting something that you know would stay. One could never forever hold on to this as it’d one day dawn on you that it got to stop, you’d be weary and tired of trying, of pushing things, of fighting a fight you know you would not win over. We’d then like the warmth of holding the hand that has been waiting for quite a while to be noticed, we’d then want to veer away from wanting to wander, from wanting to play, we’d then want to accept someone who’d kill and fight for our time.

Don’t push yourself away from this kind of longing though, of thinking of what the others would think as we do not answer to anyone but ourselves- the only one that knows what goes within us. Savor and satisfy this longing if it comes knocking at your door. Sometimes it is necessary to fall in the wrong arms to finally have that yearning to be enveloped with the right one. Sometimes it is necessary to wander so we could find our place on the spot we so well deserved. Sometimes it is necessary that we fall hard because of someone, to finally rise up with someone else who’d ensure something closest to certainty in this world of the unknown.

I am a woman and I believe that this kind of ‘playful’ thrill- seeking nature is not limited to men. It happens, and is felt by everyone. A women’s utmost yearning though, is to feel affection. At the end of it all, this longing supersedes all emotional needs. A woman is a woman. Our hands would be paired with the ones we are destined to hold. Our attention is ought to be given to the ones who have proven their worth. We are meant to stay with the ones who are decisive to stay. After all the shebang, a woman would then delight themselves being with something that needs not to change, of finally accepting what they actually deserve, rather than what they push themselves in believing they deserve. 


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“We accept he love we think we deserve.” –Perks of being a Wallflower.
September 2013

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BATTLEFIELD II

Everyone fights their own battles every day. There are the small ones that you’d just need instinct or a bit of logic as your weapons like the fight for a seat in the train where there’s a pool of people eyeing for one. There are the big ones that you just cannot get over with no matter how witty you are, not matter how you think you are prepared, no matter how many times you've been under the same battle. They are the battles WITHIN US. It could be a fight for strength where one breathes in, breathes out and tells himself “Please be strong.” It could be the battle of the mind and heart where each side opposes the other. It could be the fight for confidence where one who feels so low reminds himself of what his worth is.


The truth is the world would not stop and mourn with you. The world would not stop the train from departing to let you in because you’d be late. The world would not stop and console you and drive you to move forward as the world has its own battles to fight, too. The biggest battles that we go under are the one where it is ourselves we have to fight with. Sometimes we have to suck it all in and fight for what we know is right. These battles make us all human. The goal is not to succumb to any of these fights because as hard as they may seem to win, you’d get over them in time and be ready for ANOTHER FIGHT.

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2014. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

I Miss You So Much It Hurts II

You hearing me? I miss you, and I know that you know that even though I don't get to write for you that often.


I'd oftentimes think how my life would turn out to be had you not left 13 years ago. Perhaps you'll drive me to have the same appetite as you do and I'd look a bit 'unslim' than I am now. Perhaps we'd watch musical numbers together as you know how I adore Leah Salonga whom I was named after, perhaps we'd walk together and chat, like we used to.


As soon as you left I felt how it is to live lacking a father figure. You were the one beside me teaching me Math or whatnot's, you argued with me about politics and other things like which pizza flavor to pick. You were there. We were so close that when you left, I had to motivate myself to creating a mindset that all of those roles will then be fulfilled Mom. I was closer than you than I was with her. I was your baby even at 14.


Perhaps I'd be stronger because I'd have more years under your tutelage. Perhaps you'd repeatedly tell me not to cry and I'd follow you and I won't be the cry baby that I am now. I recall that particular day when you told me NOT TO CRY, and I guess that's a statement you told me just once but would want me to remember even after you left.


We'd read books and argue about them, I'd have you read Tuesdays with Morrie or perhaps read it out for you as your eyes won't have the 20- 20 vision you used to have. I'd force you to stay with me in Manila and if you don't agree I'd visit our hometown on a weekly basis. We'd eat 'palabok' heartily, we'd watch movies together, I'd give you a massage from time to time even when you don't ask me to give you one. I'd replenish your container of water as I know you can drink 4 to 6 liters in a day.  


I would be the best daughter you could ever ask for. We'd go to church together and I won't refuse talking about the history of saints and Word War and the Republicans, I won't fail to buy you a Sunday copy of your favorite newspaper. I would be there for you and forget about work and drive towards home immediately as soon as you need me. I will be the daughter who'll always be around.


I love you and I miss you so much. Happy Father's day Pap. Please let me dream about you.    



Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2012. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.