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you chose to stick around, thank you for that.

what was a 7-month duration for me seemt like years that you had to endure, 7 months which comprised of nights with you fighting the urge of calling me, days you had to wait to be over, afternoons you had to spend alone. you waited for 7 hours outside the condo, while i was somewhere drinking the night away, your flowing thoughts were undisrupted by the persistent mosquitoes, your falling tears uninterrupted by the passers- by.

i was lost, fell inlove with a persona merely created through lies, i've gone crazy, i cried and cried then laughed again. i cursed and cursed then liked someone again. i fumbled, stumbled then came out of all the shebang a strong person i never thought i'll be. friends were there to remind me how worthy i was to be loved, friends were there to tell me not to be too kind, friends were there to tell me that someday, someone, will come along and love me just how i deserve to be.

i had my fair share of highs and lows within that 7-month period we were apart. it was a whirlwind, a rollercoaster, a bumpy- bus ride. from time to time you'd ask me through FB messaging or SMS, how i was, and i'd always retort back and say 'i'd never thought it'd be this fun to be single,' from time time to time you'd call me wih your sarcastic tone and i'd answer with the most hateful tone i could ever give, from time to time you'd say you'll miss me, and how everything did not change the fact that you loved me still.

i thought i lost it all, i felt disgusted with the idea of getting back with the man i was so inlove with 6 years ago, i'd always brag the fact that i am always firm with the decisions i make, that i'd never stick out of my touch- move ruling.

through it all, you were always there. you were just a call away when i was frantic because the pages shown in my laptop are upside down, you

were the first one to wish me a happy birthday last fourteenth of april, you never failed to let me know that you still care and that you will never stop doing so.

and being the stone-hearted that i became, i'd always say i don't care if you still care. i kept reminding you that i already walked-away and i am never to return again.

through it all, you never stopped hoping. no hurtful words coming from my evil mouth will ever change the way you felt towards me. i cannot count how many times you said you miss me, and how many times i felt you did even if you did not say you did, all i said in return were the words I'M SORRY and THANK YOU.

you chose to stick around, i thank you for that. i was on my way in really really liking someone else, just a few days shy in saying i am exclusively dating him (or i believe so) but then i saw you, finally after too many months of hiding from you. i saw you with your face trying to hide all your emotions, i saw you standing still, and bahm, whatever emotions i kept suppressed for a long time, they all came resurfacing, i fought with them, told myself with conviction that i was just overwhelmed and confused.

maybe i still am confused, maybe i am doing things out of impulse again, and you couldn't care less. when asked whether or not you are afraid of me being in your life again, when you were told 'THOSE THINGS' may happen again, all you said was 'DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, it's my choice to stick around, and if things go bezerk again, i only have myself to blame.'

i came back with a disclaimer that i may not be the same person you used to love before, things shaped the way i am now, you know. i may not be the hopeless romantic who'd do anything for love, i am no longer the old me who'd make US ENDING UP TOGETHER happen. i am afraid of the many changes that i am bringing in, yet all you did was hushed the thought away, showed me that you will still choose to stick around, no matter what, no matter how great the risk is.

you chose to stick around, thank you for that. you waited for 7 hours outside the condo never- minding the passers- by who'd either give you a piteous stare or a questioning glare, you waited for 7 months for me to change my mind. your hopeful heart undettered with my hurtful words, your determination never dissuaded by the painful possibilities.


Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

i miss you so much it hurts

it's been 10 years pap. look at me now, i may not be what you dreamt of me to be but i know you're proud of what your girl has become.

11pt telling people i don't remember you in pain anymore, oh yes i don't pap. but there are times that i'd stop thinking about anything else but you, how it would be nicer if you are here gobbling on a box of pizza with me, how it would have been better if you were there to say KUDOS when awards were given to me, how ur embrace would have kept me safe at that time when i was crying over a guy who wouldn't care.

yes pap, i don't remember you in pain anymore. i just miss you so much it hurts. i've grown pap, yes i did, i am 10 years older than the girl who saw your last breath here on earth, i am 10 years older than the girl who cried ceaselessly on the day you left, i can say i am wiser now.

but pap, they might say i'm a lady now but i still am your girl, i still am the girl who's so proud he's got herself a dad who looks like michael douglas, i still am the girl who loves popsicles, i still am the girl who'd shop for barbie dolls and stuffed toys. pap, i'd oftentimes ask Him to make me dream of you. it was once granted, i dreamt of you and i knew that it was just a dream so i made the most out of it, i hugged you too tight i bet you were suffocating.

told myself i wouldn't cry pap, that remembering how sweet it was to have you around will just make me smile even wider. but like i said, i miss you so much it hurts. it's father's day next week pap. remember what i gave you as a gift on June a decade ago? it wasn't that special really, was it pap? but you told everyone about it, you told everyone how sweet i was and how proud i was to be your daughter. i was a daddy's girl and i always will pap.

the screen's in a blur now pap, wipe my tears away, would you please do? i'm older now pap, and i don't worry about exams or projects anymore, grown-up issues as what you call them- those are what i have in my bag now. what am i blabbing about pap? i wish i'll dream of you in a way that you'd be able to catch up. i know that won't be possible pap, and i know that you know all things about your girl and that you don't need to catch up.

i always have you in my prayers pap, i always ask Him to let you know how much i love and miss you, and i always ask Him to let you be reminded of that message for as long as i live. pap i'd never stop missing you. i'd always want to dream about the food-trips we've had, i will always have a vivid memory of those times when i was sneaking out of the house to stealthily follow you in your morning walks. i know you'll say don't cry, i once recalled you saying those words when i was crying at the hospital. i just cannot not cry pap, i miss the man who was fetching me at the school years ago with his walking stick in hand, i miss the man who would oftentimes argue with her wife about a stuff that her daughter wants to have right away, i miss the man who told her girl how proud he was of her. i mss it all pap and i cannot not cry. . .



Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.