everyone dreams of their own version of a happily ever after. and i am not an exception.
as mushy as it may sound, i have always dreamt of ending up with my first love, of exchanging vows with with my bestfriend who turned as my special someone nearly six years ago, somewhere in the second semester of my sophomore year in college.
everyone would envy the kind of relationship we had. we never fought over a thing for more than a day, we were in a long distance for nearly three years but people would say we still kept the love aflame, we set out our plans in the future, our parents became comfortable with the idea of us walking through the isle one day, we were each other’s bestfriends.
for some reason or for random or for mixed up reasons, the magic was lost. the love was still there but it was slowly dying, i would not know when it started, i am pretty much sure he was consistent, that while i was just convincing myself that everything will run smoothly between us even though we were apart, i knew he was still the same guy who was madly in love with me.
i was thinking of the major reason why i left him. it could be because i was becoming too weary to wait for him to work in Manila so we could often see each other - too weary that when it happened, that by the time he did what he was supposed to do years back, the excitement with all the love was slowly diminishing. it could also be because of the fact that i once observed that i loved him too much that i had to stop and control it, and by doing so, i lost the feeling altogether, or it could be due to the petty fights we had during his first few weeks of stay in Manila: what with our opening versus closing schedule causing him to be grumpy at times when he’s waiting for me and what with me prioritizing my friends at times instead of having lunch with him.
i would not know what happened, why i lost the spark. i was at one time, jealous on him having a crush on his wave mate who’s a SARA- MYER look-alike (however that surname is spelled) then i suddenly turned to someone who can’t respond to his sweetnots over the phone. i concluded that the problem was me.
i should have been more considerate, more supportive or more of what a girlfriend could have been. i should have never thought about leaving him few days after he broke down crying in front of me. i should have cleaved to my promise of understanding him or whatever situation we are with, i should have never disappointed his parents who were hoping i will take care of him as he is just starting to stay in Manila. i should have thought of staying, and of finding a way on how to be as crazy in love with him as i was 6 years ago.
but there’s no turning back, i am firm with my being alone right now, not because i don’t want to take my words back, but because this is what i think i ought to do, i might be wrong, or right. i would not care less. i am firm with my being alone right now and with doing nothing about love, in not finding it, in not waiting for it, and in just sitting around thinking that the notion of a fairytale is a bit of a blur in my life for the meantime.
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