Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Pattern

Written last May 20, 2012 at 2:16 PM MLA

I'd touch your nose, the first one I'd see perspiring than then the other parts of your face. I can stay still for minutes; watch you as you sleep, with the pillow beside you. I'd then force myself to replace the pillow, snuggle my body into yours; happy as always.

I'd think about you though I'm already beside you, as only you consume my thoughts. I'd look at the sun rising from your window, stretch out my still- lazy body and try to wake you up with a kiss. 

You'd squint your eyes then sleep again, I'd stay still and watch you, within few minutes you'd fall back to slumber, even snore or mutter words I can't make out the meaning of, as you'd always do when you dream. I'd stand in awe, wondering how deeply am I in love, noticing that I am in this bubble of happiness I wouldn't want to burst, that I am in a trance I wouldn't want to end then suddenly, I'd think about how everything seems so familiar.

I'd look at you again and recall the same way I looked at someone else years back. I'd think about the dreams that were formed through those moments of silence, the hopes I had, the promises I was picturing to come to life as I was immersed in my pool of thoughts.

I'd think about how his hands perfectly fit mine just like mine would perfectly fit yours, how your embraces give the same type of comfort, how madly in love I am, just as I was before.

From time to time I'd fear when it'll end, how these feelings, though familiar are threatening. At any point a needle that will burst my bubble of happiness can stealthily lurk beside me, like it once did- stealing my long- fought peace of mind.

I’d appease myself with a belief- that everything’s just a pattern, you fall and someone falls to be with you, then that someone stands to leave you, then you stand up and be still and rest yourself from the pain until you’re ready again. These all sound too simple but it doesn’t all occur in few seconds- standing up may take months which seems like an eternity, trusting again may take longer than you could ever think, being finally free from the wound may seem forever.

After all those, you’d regain your peace of mind- free from haunting thoughts, from hopes and promises which took you a while to let go. Then you’d fall again, happy as you’d never thought you’ll ever be, and then hold on to a new world with new set of hopes and promises.  You’d think it’s the same thing and when it all ends, you’d declare you will definitely be able to move again like you did before.

You’d brush all thoughts away, painstakingly. You’d touch his nose, the first one you see perspiring than then the other parts of his face. You’d curl up your fingers into his, watch him sleep, snuggle your body into his. You’d keep doing this each time the fear of having the pattern come completely into life visits you, and suddenly, with his smile, you’d believe that maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time there’s really nothing to fear.

 *Trying to fight writer's block, I wrote this. I hope I won over it, haha.

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