My Letter to All Novice Moms

 (or for all moms who can relate)

She hasn’t taken a bath at 3PM because she had to make sure the baby is already clean and fresh and ready for siesta before she takes a shower.

She wants to, but can’t get the room tidy 100% of the time even if she tries hard to make her surroundings spotless. She knows though that it is normal for toys to be scattered on the floor and puzzle mattes to not be perfectly aligned with each other and for baby books to not be on their usual location. 

At times, she apologizes to her husband for not being able to do this or that for him because she did this or that for the baby first so the husband had to do the task himself.

She always looks forward to Sundays and feels a whimper of pain if her husband says “can we just stay at home, I am tired?” Sunday is the only day she gets to get out of home aside from taking the baby for a walk in the neighborhood on a daily basis; it is the only day she gets to wear her best dress. She dolls herself up on Sundays either via make up or by doing a quick new hair style so she could feel pretty because she’s just usually on her tank top and shorts at home with her hair in a bun and with the face she keeps failing to put a moisturizer on. Yet on Sundays where she hears people rushing her to look away from the mirror, she wears her best dress with her damp hair in a bun and with the comb in her hand.

She is fond of dresses and shoes and bags and the usual things a girl has in their wish list but she would wait for her birthday to request for one because it would not be appropriate for her to demand one from her husband as she is only a full time mom who doesn’t bring dough to the table. She wouldn’t want to spend her savings for those things either as she marked all her kept money as “no longer hers but baby’s.”  

She keeps browsing on travel deals and events pages as she would one day want to be in a beach with her friends, climb a mountain or two, or enjoy what she used to do before being a full time mom, but she immediately closes the pages out as people may think that being away from the baby and enjoying leisure with friends may let people think she wants her old singlehood back.

She has the tendency to always want to perfect things as motherhood is her focus and she should not have any misses. She has the tendency to put herself on the least priority. She has the tendency to be guilty for wanting a simple reward or two.

I want her to change all this thinking. Motherhood should not lead to sacrificing one’s personal identity. I’d like her to grab her makeup kit and make herself pretty, if that’s what makes her feel better. I’d like her to start mingling with her friends again, to plan a trip or two or a simple coffee get- together. I’d like her to be more ’herself’ and not care about what others would say. I’d like her to care more about her body by staying fit and not feel incriminated by doing so, with the people around her thinking that she shouldn’t bother as she already is a mother and that whatever body type she may fall under, she would sno longer be replaced by her partner.

  

As another blogger puts it in a query “we lay down our lives for our children, but shouldn’t we pick up and maintain our lives for our children too?”* Motherhood should not lead to losing but gaining one’s self. It is one of life’s greatest roles that doesn’t end once started. It begins by the moment we know that a life is slowly forming inside our bodies. This knowledge alone should be empowering enough to make us want to fulfill our dreams and realize our long- taught plans for self improvement even if it means temporarily being away from our kids. We have to hug the fact that we cannot be 100% be with our kids as we need some time alone with ourselves,  our partner and our community. When people start to doubt your being a mother as old times pictures a mom merely staying at home waiting for her partner, silence them with your display of confidence and noticeable self worth.     

 

Let not motherhood be the cause of losing your identity. Let it empower you to still be passionate about the things you enjoyed doing before this phase. The social norm that dictates mothers to be at home most of the time is ancient. Be more of what you'd want to be - whether that'd be a person that starts the talk, someone who conquers heights and mountains and cliffs or someone who's not afraid to take risks for growth. When you become what you envisioned, you would likely be happier in raising your offspring as you know you never held yourself back. You're meant for greatness and you're meant to tell exciting stories to your kids so live your life the fullest.

Kat from inspiredtoaction.com

I Miss You So Much It Hurts II

You hearing me? I miss you, and I know that you know that even though I don't get to write for you that often.


I'd oftentimes think how my life would turn out to be had you not left 13 years ago. Perhaps you'll drive me to have the same appetite as you do and I'd look a bit 'unslim' than I am now. Perhaps we'd watch musical numbers together as you know how I adore Leah Salonga whom I was named after, perhaps we'd walk together and chat, like we used to.


As soon as you left I felt how it is to live lacking a father figure. You were the one beside me teaching me Math or whatnot's, you argued with me about politics and other things like which pizza flavor to pick. You were there. We were so close that when you left, I had to motivate myself to creating a mindset that all of those roles will then be fulfilled Mom. I was closer than you than I was with her. I was your baby even at 14.


Perhaps I'd be stronger because I'd have more years under your tutelage. Perhaps you'd repeatedly tell me not to cry and I'd follow you and I won't be the cry baby that I am now. I recall that particular day when you told me NOT TO CRY, and I guess that's a statement you told me just once but would want me to remember even after you left.


We'd read books and argue about them, I'd have you read Tuesdays with Morrie or perhaps read it out for you as your eyes won't have the 20- 20 vision you used to have. I'd force you to stay with me in Manila and if you don't agree I'd visit our hometown on a weekly basis. We'd eat 'palabok' heartily, we'd watch movies together, I'd give you a massage from time to time even when you don't ask me to give you one. I'd replenish your container of water as I know you can drink 4 to 6 liters in a day.  


I would be the best daughter you could ever ask for. We'd go to church together and I won't refuse talking about the history of saints and Word War and the Republicans, I won't fail to buy you a Sunday copy of your favorite newspaper. I would be there for you and forget about work and drive towards home immediately as soon as you need me. I will be the daughter who'll always be around.


I love you and I miss you so much. Happy Father's day Pap. Please let me dream about you.    



Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2012. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

Mom

I wonder why I've never finished a poem about mom

I wanted to write

about her love for me -

never demanding,

unconditional

I wanted to write about her endless sacrifices:

the tiresome tasks she do

to make me live and study

Sickness she has to deal with while working hard for me

I wanted to write

about how grateful I am to be her daughter -

That I'd been blessed with a gift that is her whom I will treasure forever

I wanted to write

about the beauty within her

that never fades, that never fails to be admired

I wanted to write

about how a 'thank you' and 'I love you'

seems not enough as a response to her love -

Yet that is all she needs to live

and that, I shall never cease to give

I wonder why I've never finished a poem about mom

I know now:

There are lots of great things to say about mom

and a poem would not tell enough

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 201412. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without author's explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

i miss you so much it hurts

it's been 10 years pap. look at me now, i may not be what you dreamt of me to be but i know you're proud of what your girl has become.

11pt telling people i don't remember you in pain anymore, oh yes i don't pap. but there are times that i'd stop thinking about anything else but you, how it would be nicer if you are here gobbling on a box of pizza with me, how it would have been better if you were there to say KUDOS when awards were given to me, how ur embrace would have kept me safe at that time when i was crying over a guy who wouldn't care.

yes pap, i don't remember you in pain anymore. i just miss you so much it hurts. i've grown pap, yes i did, i am 10 years older than the girl who saw your last breath here on earth, i am 10 years older than the girl who cried ceaselessly on the day you left, i can say i am wiser now.

but pap, they might say i'm a lady now but i still am your girl, i still am the girl who's so proud he's got herself a dad who looks like michael douglas, i still am the girl who loves popsicles, i still am the girl who'd shop for barbie dolls and stuffed toys. pap, i'd oftentimes ask Him to make me dream of you. it was once granted, i dreamt of you and i knew that it was just a dream so i made the most out of it, i hugged you too tight i bet you were suffocating.

told myself i wouldn't cry pap, that remembering how sweet it was to have you around will just make me smile even wider. but like i said, i miss you so much it hurts. it's father's day next week pap. remember what i gave you as a gift on June a decade ago? it wasn't that special really, was it pap? but you told everyone about it, you told everyone how sweet i was and how proud i was to be your daughter. i was a daddy's girl and i always will pap.

the screen's in a blur now pap, wipe my tears away, would you please do? i'm older now pap, and i don't worry about exams or projects anymore, grown-up issues as what you call them- those are what i have in my bag now. what am i blabbing about pap? i wish i'll dream of you in a way that you'd be able to catch up. i know that won't be possible pap, and i know that you know all things about your girl and that you don't need to catch up.

i always have you in my prayers pap, i always ask Him to let you know how much i love and miss you, and i always ask Him to let you be reminded of that message for as long as i live. pap i'd never stop missing you. i'd always want to dream about the food-trips we've had, i will always have a vivid memory of those times when i was sneaking out of the house to stealthily follow you in your morning walks. i know you'll say don't cry, i once recalled you saying those words when i was crying at the hospital. i just cannot not cry pap, i miss the man who was fetching me at the school years ago with his walking stick in hand, i miss the man who would oftentimes argue with her wife about a stuff that her daughter wants to have right away, i miss the man who told her girl how proud he was of her. i mss it all pap and i cannot not cry. . .



Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.