"panawagan"

there’s so much noise in the house- too many people, there’s an abundance of laughter, never-ending chitchat, and other catching-up activities. whoah, my no-shift days has never been so much fun.

i still feel alone though. it feels like i may be happier staying somewhere else, not because i dread being here- i missed my nieces (they’re not as young as you think, the 2 bakasyonistas are just a few days shy from being a freshman) and nothing can beat catching up with what i missed in their lives- but i might be needing the company of somebody else. i may have talked a lot, laughed a lot but i still feel like i have no one to talk to .
how would you go over telling your niece that you, at 22, still don’t know what to do with your life, while she, at 8 , has a definite path in mind (to be like dexter and to create a huge cage for all the ‘dee-dee’s’ in the world)?

or how would you tell the other niece, who at 16, never ever had a boyfriend, let alone a suitor that you terribly miss someone who’s probably dozing off somewhere hundred miles away or scribbling the pages of a newly-bought online- gaming magazine?

i need to talk this over with someone who can understand, someone who can relate to what i am feeling- that leads me in thinking about what TL Lao advised me to do to somehow rekindle my passion in work- that is to maximize my rest day; and’just talking and thinking (and writing)’ doesn’t seem to beat my supervisor’s strenuous physical activities during thursdays and fridays. i definitely don’t plan to emulate his physical practices (badminton, basketball, duh?) anyway, i’m a no-sport, non- adventure- seeking person and i don’t plan to be otherwise. just give me someone like dee or george whom i can talk to about career sentiments and love dilemmas and i’ll be relieved.

i’m slowly becoming george-like (sorry bff ^-^): thinking too much, exaggerating things, entertaining paranoia more and more. there are just too many things to think about, it seems like two days is enough. call it mental torture but i’d rather think, talk, and write than have fun in a bar or watch a movie (with some exceptions, of course).

my mind always knocks itself out of assessing its owner’s deeds. the results of my mom’s hardwork is not bad at all, i’m of big help to my family (that would compensate to the ‘big headache’ i bring, haha), i make little investments to charity, and i don’t recall any person who hates me, i’m not bad after all! but i don’t think it’d end on being good, i’ve always loved excelling, but that doesn’t matter to me anymore, i could be what i am for a lot of years, given the condition that i’m happy with what i do.

i wish i am, but heck i am not. i am so sick of talking to people i don’t know, too tired in sounding so apologetic when i should be furious to ‘hard customers’ who’ll even say they will call federal government and consumer service or what have you and sue you (as if), and with reaching the ‘now sky-high, rocketeering OGA or quota, and to top that, i’m overdosed with pei pakoa lozenges.
well i would not dwell too much on my outburst of anger (i wish it’s temporary)… i can long endure the fact that i do not love my job a hundred percent, but i need friends to make the burden light, to make the endeavor worth coping with. in my melancholy i have no one but myself, and i am not too strong enough to console ‘me.’ i need friends to keep my grasp on sanity…



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