it's a sorta fairytale

everyone dreams of their own version of a happily ever after. and i am not an exception.


as mushy as it may sound, i have always dreamt of ending up with my first love, of exchanging vows with with my bestfriend who turned as my special someone nearly six years ago, somewhere in the second semester of my sophomore year in college.

everyone would envy the kind of relationship we had. we never fought over a thing for more than a day, we were in a long distance for nearly three years but people would say we still kept the love aflame, we set out our plans in the future, our parents became comfortable with the idea of us walking through the isle one day, we were each other’s bestfriends.


for some reason or for random or for mixed up reasons, the magic was lost. the love was still there but it was slowly dying, i would not know when it started, i am pretty much sure he was consistent, that while i was just convincing myself that everything will run smoothly between us even though we were apart, i knew he was still the same guy who was madly in love with me.


i was thinking of the major reason why i left him. it could be because i was becoming too weary to wait for him to work in Manila so we could often see each other - too weary that when it happened, that by the time he did what he was supposed to do years back, the excitement with all the love was slowly diminishing. it could also be because of the fact that i once observed that i loved him too much that i had to stop and control it, and by doing so, i lost the feeling altogether, or it could be due to the petty fights we had during his first few weeks of stay in Manila: what with our opening versus closing schedule causing him to be grumpy at times when he’s waiting for me and what with me prioritizing my friends at times instead of having lunch with him.


i would not know what happened, why i lost the spark. i was at one time, jealous on him having a crush on his wave mate who’s a SARA- MYER look-alike (however that surname is spelled) then i suddenly turned to someone who can’t respond to his sweetnots over the phone. i concluded that the problem was me.
i should have been more considerate, more supportive or more of what a girlfriend could have been. i should have never thought about leaving him few days after he broke down crying in front of me. i should have cleaved to my promise of understanding him or whatever situation we are with, i should have never disappointed his parents who were hoping i will take care of him as he is just starting to stay in Manila. i should have thought of staying, and of finding a way on how to be as crazy in love with him as i was 6 years ago.


but there’s no turning back, i am firm with my being alone right now, not because i don’t want to take my words back, but because this is what i think i ought to do, i might be wrong, or right. i would not care less. i am firm with my being alone right now and with doing nothing about love, in not finding it, in not waiting for it, and in just sitting around thinking that the notion of a fairytale is a bit of a blur in my life for the meantime.

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

segundo

you chose to stick around, thank you for that.

what was a 7-month duration for me seemt like years that you had to endure, 7 months which comprised of nights with you fighting the urge of calling me, days you had to wait to be over, afternoons you had to spend alone. you waited for 7 hours outside the condo, while i was somewhere drinking the night away, your flowing thoughts were undisrupted by the persistent mosquitoes, your falling tears uninterrupted by the passers- by.

i was lost, fell inlove with a persona merely created through lies, i've gone crazy, i cried and cried then laughed again. i cursed and cursed then liked someone again. i fumbled, stumbled then came out of all the shebang a strong person i never thought i'll be. friends were there to remind me how worthy i was to be loved, friends were there to tell me not to be too kind, friends were there to tell me that someday, someone, will come along and love me just how i deserve to be.

i had my fair share of highs and lows within that 7-month period we were apart. it was a whirlwind, a rollercoaster, a bumpy- bus ride. from time to time you'd ask me through FB messaging or SMS, how i was, and i'd always retort back and say 'i'd never thought it'd be this fun to be single,' from time time to time you'd call me wih your sarcastic tone and i'd answer with the most hateful tone i could ever give, from time to time you'd say you'll miss me, and how everything did not change the fact that you loved me still.

i thought i lost it all, i felt disgusted with the idea of getting back with the man i was so inlove with 6 years ago, i'd always brag the fact that i am always firm with the decisions i make, that i'd never stick out of my touch- move ruling.

through it all, you were always there. you were just a call away when i was frantic because the pages shown in my laptop are upside down, you

were the first one to wish me a happy birthday last fourteenth of april, you never failed to let me know that you still care and that you will never stop doing so.

and being the stone-hearted that i became, i'd always say i don't care if you still care. i kept reminding you that i already walked-away and i am never to return again.

through it all, you never stopped hoping. no hurtful words coming from my evil mouth will ever change the way you felt towards me. i cannot count how many times you said you miss me, and how many times i felt you did even if you did not say you did, all i said in return were the words I'M SORRY and THANK YOU.

you chose to stick around, i thank you for that. i was on my way in really really liking someone else, just a few days shy in saying i am exclusively dating him (or i believe so) but then i saw you, finally after too many months of hiding from you. i saw you with your face trying to hide all your emotions, i saw you standing still, and bahm, whatever emotions i kept suppressed for a long time, they all came resurfacing, i fought with them, told myself with conviction that i was just overwhelmed and confused.

maybe i still am confused, maybe i am doing things out of impulse again, and you couldn't care less. when asked whether or not you are afraid of me being in your life again, when you were told 'THOSE THINGS' may happen again, all you said was 'DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, it's my choice to stick around, and if things go bezerk again, i only have myself to blame.'

i came back with a disclaimer that i may not be the same person you used to love before, things shaped the way i am now, you know. i may not be the hopeless romantic who'd do anything for love, i am no longer the old me who'd make US ENDING UP TOGETHER happen. i am afraid of the many changes that i am bringing in, yet all you did was hushed the thought away, showed me that you will still choose to stick around, no matter what, no matter how great the risk is.

you chose to stick around, thank you for that. you waited for 7 hours outside the condo never- minding the passers- by who'd either give you a piteous stare or a questioning glare, you waited for 7 months for me to change my mind. your hopeful heart undettered with my hurtful words, your determination never dissuaded by the painful possibilities.


Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

i miss you so much it hurts

it's been 10 years pap. look at me now, i may not be what you dreamt of me to be but i know you're proud of what your girl has become.

11pt telling people i don't remember you in pain anymore, oh yes i don't pap. but there are times that i'd stop thinking about anything else but you, how it would be nicer if you are here gobbling on a box of pizza with me, how it would have been better if you were there to say KUDOS when awards were given to me, how ur embrace would have kept me safe at that time when i was crying over a guy who wouldn't care.

yes pap, i don't remember you in pain anymore. i just miss you so much it hurts. i've grown pap, yes i did, i am 10 years older than the girl who saw your last breath here on earth, i am 10 years older than the girl who cried ceaselessly on the day you left, i can say i am wiser now.

but pap, they might say i'm a lady now but i still am your girl, i still am the girl who's so proud he's got herself a dad who looks like michael douglas, i still am the girl who loves popsicles, i still am the girl who'd shop for barbie dolls and stuffed toys. pap, i'd oftentimes ask Him to make me dream of you. it was once granted, i dreamt of you and i knew that it was just a dream so i made the most out of it, i hugged you too tight i bet you were suffocating.

told myself i wouldn't cry pap, that remembering how sweet it was to have you around will just make me smile even wider. but like i said, i miss you so much it hurts. it's father's day next week pap. remember what i gave you as a gift on June a decade ago? it wasn't that special really, was it pap? but you told everyone about it, you told everyone how sweet i was and how proud i was to be your daughter. i was a daddy's girl and i always will pap.

the screen's in a blur now pap, wipe my tears away, would you please do? i'm older now pap, and i don't worry about exams or projects anymore, grown-up issues as what you call them- those are what i have in my bag now. what am i blabbing about pap? i wish i'll dream of you in a way that you'd be able to catch up. i know that won't be possible pap, and i know that you know all things about your girl and that you don't need to catch up.

i always have you in my prayers pap, i always ask Him to let you know how much i love and miss you, and i always ask Him to let you be reminded of that message for as long as i live. pap i'd never stop missing you. i'd always want to dream about the food-trips we've had, i will always have a vivid memory of those times when i was sneaking out of the house to stealthily follow you in your morning walks. i know you'll say don't cry, i once recalled you saying those words when i was crying at the hospital. i just cannot not cry pap, i miss the man who was fetching me at the school years ago with his walking stick in hand, i miss the man who would oftentimes argue with her wife about a stuff that her daughter wants to have right away, i miss the man who told her girl how proud he was of her. i mss it all pap and i cannot not cry. . .



Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

my independence day

it was not yet time to let go, ’twas too early to do so…
***
attachment comes before detachment, how would the act of separation be done when there are no two or more group of bodies, being, or entities glued to one another?

it was not yet time to let go, as eerie as it may sound, i had to put myself closer to emotions i want to be freed from- anger, resentment, regret, and whatever bonds that hindered me from achieving peace of mind.

it was not yet time to let go, i had to undergo the process of attachment, and that is not to overdo the portrayal of emotions, but to admit that they exist, determine the reason why they existed, and come up with a resolution. admission could be the hardest part, because we oftentimes deny the existence of such unfavorable feelings, thinking that acceptance would denote we are weak.

it was not yet time to let go, but now it is. i have admitted my mistakes- quabbled a lot about my work and thought of leaving the company, made some lies to save myself, planned not to forgive someone…- and i am slowly forgiving myself for having committed them.
yes, it’s hard to let go but it is even harder to be held captive by such emotions. so i am forgiving those who’ve in a way hurt me, i am casting all my complaints and prejudices in the wind, i am letting go of what can’t be’s and what if’s, and what if i have’s, since it would really not make any sense to barrage my mind with such thoughts.

it was not yet time to let go, but now it is. i wanna be freed, and so i’ll be. i declare, and claim freedom, it’s my independence day. i am utterly free.


Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

learnt it from pooh and barney

i find it funny to notice that most of the values i learned are being made ‘more remembered’ to be applied by kindergarten songs which few kids are even making a joke about and by notions which some people find shallow or trivial.

i learned to always be mindful of utilizing natural resources which are indispensable to our living. ‘i never let the water run’ best portrays how we should be guilty of wasting such an important resource. who would have thought that i’d be this lover of ‘green efforts for the mother earth’ just because i remember so well that particular line being sang in the barney show.

one cannot fit a square peg onto a circular hole- no matter how he tries hard to. a clever remark was not mentioned by einstein or socrates but by my favorite character pooh bear as he simplified taoism in the book ‘tao of pooh.’ there are just things which can’t be- and things we have to let be. we can neither love two persons at the same time nor can we force ourselves to be someone else. there are instances wherein we try to force things to be the way we want them to be- when knowing right away that they can’t. they CAN actually can, i mean- they really can be what we ought them to be but we will end up being miserable- we can compare ourselves then to a square peg which was forced to fit in a circular hole way way smaller than its size- yes it will definitely fit- but will end up being deformed or losing its particular distinction.

i always make it a point to have a harmonious relationship with everyone- i am not someone with whom everyone is pleased of but i hate to have foes or having to avoid someone due to undiscussed misunderstandings or disputes. i love you, you love me, we’re a happy family. it would really seem like i am an avid barney show viewer. oh yes i used to be- not way years back when i was a kid but only when i was in high school when hearing barney songs everyday for a particular period of time drove me to sorta consider liking the songs because of my niece. i was never happy with her version of the all-time favorite barney song having the lyrics ‘i love you, you love me, lets get together and kill barney (the rest speaks of violence being sung by a three year old )’ how could i? yes, it was a joke. but i don’t want to hear a joke about the purple dinosaur who thought me nearly every important thing i need in this life.

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

M. U.

let’s talk about suppression, let’s talk about waiting
in vain
in pain
let’s talk about not knowing WHAT YOU ARE in someone’s life
not knowing leads to
hurting
let’s talk about being happy
today
but not tomorrow
let’s talk about the uncertainties of an unproclaimed relationship
about having ownership
but not commitment
let’s talk about not knowing
anything
on assuming things
let’s talk about not talking about things that need to be settled
about keeping
sentiments to yourself
let’s talk about not seeing someone at times you need to
because that is the way
it ought to be
let’s talk about suppression, let’s talk about waiting
in vain
in pain
and let’s talk about it
and conclude that we
ought to talk about it
with ourselves
alone . . .

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.

on spilled milk

let bygones be bygones. there’s nothing we can do with a spilled milk but clean up the mess it has made. i say goodbye to the pain of the past.


i don’t wanna be haunted with yesterday’s sorrows. i say goodbye to trying too hard to mend broken relationships. i don’t want to put all my energy in petty problems with persons who don’t want to listen. i say goodbye to yesteryear’s emotions which shouldn’t exist now.


let bygones be bygones. there’s nothing we can do with a spilled milk but clean up the mess it made, forget that it did spill and messed up the table, then enjoy another glass.

Blog entries are owned and copyrighted by Leah Bulacan © All Rights Reserved 2010. Unauthorized use, copy, editing, reproduction, publication, duplication and distribution of the blog content, without his explicit permission, is punishable by Law.